Raising Hell In Middle America

Twice a week I travel to small town America because of work. I don't need to name the the town, because they are all the same.

In "these" small towns everybody knows what everybody else is doing. The gossip: John boy is doing Misty May in the hay loft. Uncle Elmer... he likes sheep, but only the male sheep. Billy Bob's dog took a crap on aunt Jenny's lawn, which just feeds the dandelions and crabgrass that she already has there.

Ohhhhh... the rumor mill!

I for one, want to give them something to talk about. So yesterday at 6:00 a.m. I stroll into the Rec center pool, sign in, rinse off and emerge at pools edge donning a pair of these...



Ohhhh! The ghastly horror! Blasphemy if you will, me wearing those, surrounded by a bunch of God fearing blue hair ladies wading back and forth in the shallows, trying not to get their doo-hives wet.

Funny thing is, I saw them checking me out as I got in/out of the pool. Seeing if I was the devil.

The Devil.

The Antichrist.

They must have thought this as they watched me swim 4000 yards, almost naked. I mean it has to be the devil, what else could posses a person to get their hair wet, and then also swim so.

I'm sure I was, and will continue to be, the talk of "small town America."

And you know what... That's OK with me, because I would like to think that it adds a little bit more excitement to their lives than the seed catalog that they go home to.

I just hope they confess their sins when they go to church on Sunday.

Feed the mill.

Free Swimming Advice

It was pretty boring this morning at my pool, so I decided to give you all some free advice. Here's some swimmer talk that can come in handy in many non-swimming situations:

1. Today I got a bunch of good stroke tips.
2. I'm working on my stroke count and stroke length.
3. The more yards I put in, the better I perform.
4. Wow! Your fly form is really undulating!
5. How many times do I need to tell you to keep your face down low if you want to get to the other side quickly?
6. Paddles make me go faster.
7. I like that thing between my legs--when I use it, I don't have to work so hard.
8. Flutter...flutter...flutter...I'm there!
9. I like doing drill work. I need the discipline.
10. Yeah. Sometimes it does feel better to go bilateral.
11. I like going off on the minute.
12. For some reason today I wanted to wear my drag suit (I don't want to know you).
13. I always feel ready to go once I put the rubber on.
14. My coach told me I needed to glide more--and you know what? It does feel better.
15. I used to do it a lot more often, but now I'm down to only 3 times a week.

You're welcome.

A rare pool post

About the most exciting thing that has ever happened to me in the pool probably occured 20+ years ago during my competitive swim years. It was during a swim meet and I was cheering fellow competitor. Since I was in between events, I was wearing trackpants, a t-shirt, a robe, towel around the neck and flipflops. Anyway, here I am in full on swim meet regalia, hanging off the pole that holds that backstroke flags across the pool, waving a towel, cheering my mate and generally making lots of noise. Naturally since I'm in the process of making an ass out of myself, my hand slips and I fall into the water, while the race is going on. Luckily, I missed the poor guy in the outside lane, but I'm quite sure he wasn't particularly happy with me either.

So, compared to others, my current pool related stories are decidedly dull. Competitive swim days are long over and now I just swim to get the swim workout out of the way. About the only cool thing that occurs is that I get a rare Lisa Bentley sighting, but nowadays she's usually water jogging to nurse an injury she's had for 18 months. The other 99% of the time, it's just me, a swim lane and a 65 year old out of shape lifeguard. It's no wonder I go to the pool just to 'git er done'.

When schedule dictates, I can, on occasion, go to the pool 'in town'. It's mildy more interesting and is generally frequented by the retired crowd. The people range from blue hairs hanging off the side of the pool and chatting, to floaters who bob up and down the pool for a couple lengths and think they 'worked out'. Of course there are some serious folk who genuinely go to the pool to.....
swim.
Craziness. I know. This one guy drives me nuts. He wears flippers, large hand paddles, a facemask and a breathing tube. Serious. Back and forth he goes down the middle of the lane. Due to his getup and girth he takes up a whole frikin lane. Nice.

There you have it, a rare post by Darren, who leads a relatively boring pool life.
Cheers!

Boring Day at the Pool

I did the same workout as on Wednesday--4,000 yards of endurance crap.

I had to be swimming by 6AM today because I had a meeting at 8AM, and well, you know, there's all the time spent not swimming.

Russ and his buddy Chuck were already there banging out some hard sets. After awhile when we were all at the wall together, Russ starts tilting his head at me smiling. I look around and see Man Who Wears Women's Swimsuits bobbing around in the aqua aerobics lane. The 3 of us chuckle, and the next time we are all at the wall together, Chuck whispers to me that he saw a string hanging out of the ladies' swimsuit--like a tampon string. What the hell??? Like I always say, I could not make this stuff up if I tried. So MWWWS (too much typing; need to abbreviate--it's pronounced em triple double you ess), come on, he's a guy, where is that tampon inserted??? Maybe I need to rename him MWWWS Butt Plug Afficionado (MWWWSBPA).

And then the usual parade began--Floatation Device, Crabby Fat Guy (he knew better than to try and get in my lane) and Rasta Guard. Pretty uneventful.

Then I saw Sexy Italian Looking Guy. Now I haven't introduced myself to him, but somehow I believe him to be Italian. Good swimmer. He had to have swam 2,000 yards straight (and fast, too), because he didn't stop while I was doing my 2,400 of main set. He was 2 lanes away from me, and yet I was checking him out underwater. I think I'll have to have something Italian for dinner tonight...

100 x 100 on the 100

With gracious permission from the author, I have cross-linked to a really cool post on Elizabeth Fedofsky's blog. Click on the title to get to her post.

Her blog was recommended to me by Brett, and turns out Liz and I have probably met, and I know her coach, and she lives near me, so small world...maybe I'll get to train with her sometime if I'm lucky!

Anyway, the post is about a killer swim workout. Enjoy, and thanks, Liz!

Nick Brunelli – On the Record about Arizona State Cuts

OK so really I just wanted an excuse to put up a picture of Nick. Pecs, baby!

Oh yeah, there is an article if you click on the post title. It's kind of sad, actually. Stuff like this makes me glad that I just do sports on my own, even if it requires attending a YMCA!

Another Day...Another Long Workout

Today was another eventful day at the pool. First, I was sporting my brand new sushi suit:












I kid you not, the piece of tuna is right on the money! The suit is cut way high up my legs--good thing I'm all shaved.

I decided to make some Voodoo Mix (1/2 Mountain Dew Code Red, 1/2 blue Gatorade) to take with me today since I'm training so much now and I need the caffeine.

I arrived on deck about 6:25, and a guy I know, Russ, was already there. Russ is super buff and a super good swimmer. He definitely qualifies as scenery and if I could sneak a photo of him, he'd be in my Hottie Brigade. Russ was swimming with Chuck, and of course the first thing I need to know is how is the water? Russ said it was nice, and that I should thank him. OK, that's a bit smug, but I'm good with it. He said he'd been complaining to the Aquatic Director, and asked if I wanted in on the action. Of course I do! So I told him my email address, and he said something like he didn't know if he'd remember it. I commented that I have my credit card and driver's license numbers memorized. Anyway, Russ and Chuck take off, and I walked over to Rasta Guard and asked if I could use his pen. I pulled out one of my old workout pages from the Ziploc and wrote my full name and email address on it for Russ. I dropped it off on the block, and told Russ it included free workouts! While we were chatting, who should waltz in but Floatation Device, and I whispered to Russ, "There's your girlfriend!"

I got a lane all to my lonesome, and saw Crabby Fat Guy walk in. He always heads to the shallow end of the pool (where I do not expect people to be getting in--they should get in in the deep end where the blocks are, right?) and begins stalking lanes. MY fucking lane. The lanes on either side of me each only had one swimmer. I actually stopped because he was practically hanging his big, fat gut in the lane.

He asked if he could split with me. I said, "No. You can swim in that lane," while I was pointing to the one adjacent to me. He says, "That's against the rules." I said, "I am doing a really long workout today, and besides, what's wrong with that lane?" Skinny Scruffy Beard Guy was in the other lane and overheard our "discussion," and said, "You're welcome over here."

Yeah, I was being a bitch, but why do these people always want to pick my lane? Yeah, yeah, he must have been eyeballing the tuna...

I keep swimming, and I see Chad on deck. Thank GOD!!! He gets in my lane and I scooch over, because, well, he's such a hottie. When we were both at the wall, I told him what had happened, and Chad says, "You should have told him he's not hot enough to swim in this lane." I smiled, and so we invented a new rule: the Hottie Rule. Next time Crabby Fat Guy tries to get in with me, I'll tell him it would be a violation of the Hottie Rule.

So I finish this workout:

WU: 200 swim, 200 kick, 200 pull, 200 drill
MS: 2 x [3 x 200 (10"), 1 x 600 (30") at same pace as 200's]
100 easy swim.
8 x 75 (15") as 50 Hard, 25 Easy
CD: 100 easy swim
(that's 4,000 big ones for those of you playing at home)

and I get out, and who should walk up to me but













Rasta Guard

He makes all nice with me how was my workout blah, blah, blah, and I just know he's going to say something that Crabby Fat Guy was bitching. Oh yeah. Fucking Rasta Guard--I told him that if I leveled legitimate complaints about all the wrong behavior I've seen, he'd never hear the end of it. Which is true. One time, I finish swimming, and Rasta Guard asks me if I'd go get him some coffee! Fuck you and your smelly dreadlocks and baggy pants, dude! And then there are the times when he makes us all stop swimming because he has to leave the deck to go take a piss! He can call someone to sub, what the fuck???

Ho hum...another adventurous day...and guess what? I'm hungry.

Trifecta!

Did a short swim this morning--only 3,000 yards (Weds. and Fri. swims this week are 3,800 yards each). Pool was a decent temperature for once--I was almost cold until I started my main set.

Who should already be in the pool when I arrived? Man Who Wears Women's Swimsuits! At first I was confused, because he wasn't wearing his usual red number. He got a new suit! It's a bright orange/red/yellow ombre thing with little black palms on it. Stunning! And another unusual thing was that he was actually swimming today in an actual lane. Usually he is just flopping about in the deep end of the area roped off for whatever the hell it is, but it's 2 lanes wide. Well, you just know I had to check him out underwater to scope out the floppage of his junk, and I did. At least in the new suit, his junk wasn't doing its own completely separate workout. It was truly difficult for me not to crack up. Now mind you, I'd much rather have scenery or some sort of talent to look at, but this was still a great way to kick off the week.

After my warmup, who should appear but Retro Mark Spitz Man? Only today he was wearing (and I found this truly comforting) the Speedo over his bootylicious ass. I guess last week I got to see him on a day when I don't normally swim (Tuesday and/or Thursday), so this tells me he switches off between the Speedo and the jammers. Thank God for the stache or I might not recognize him and become confused.

Now, at this point, I'm having a great day, even though I can't swim very fast because I am so shelled from last week's training (over 19 hours total; almost 21 the week before), but who should walk in but Floatation Device! She's easy to recognize on deck because her tits, well, they don't move one iota, and her lips are always blaze red. But today, for some reason, she didn't wear a swim cap, and I saw her doing "breaststroke" at one point with her long hair all over her face. How can people swim like that? They look like Chewbacca.

Ho hum...just another day at the pool...thank God for the entertainment!